If I had a recent picture of my almost 38-week pregnant tummy, that would probably be the best way to explain how my heart feels right now. The boys keep telling me that I look like I'm about to pop. They joke with me that I swallowed a watermelon seed and have a watermelon growing inside of me. If they only knew what my heart feels like right now...
Is it possible to have stretch marks on your heart? If it was, this adventure we've been on this past year would have surely caused them.
For Thou wilt enlarge my heart...
This season has been a stretching in every sense of what that word could possibly mean...
Faith-building days beyond what I ever could have imagined or expected...
I never dreamed last June that one year later we would be about to welcome TWO new Blackmons into our family!
I am so thankful for how the Lord is using these experiences to "enlarge my heart" and to increase my capacity to know Him more deeply. Even when the stretching is uncomfortable and even painful, my prayer is that the Lord will continue to enlarge my heart, that He will grow my love for Him, for Will, for each of my precious boys, for Sophi, and for this little baby soon to be born!
I have clung to these words by John Piper since the day we started this journey with Sophi's adoption and even more so since the day I found out I was pregnant! This prayer sits on a window ledge above my sink where I can see it countless times a day as I wash dishes, cook meals, and watch the boys playing in the yard, but it has long been etched on my heart and in my memory. When I find myself doubting what in the world we are doing, fearful about how much life is about to change, overwhelmed with the responsibilities of being a momma to so many little people, anxious about our finances, impatient about the Lord's timing, irritated, angry, inadequate, despairing, and a thousand other emotions, the Lord gently reminds me of these words. Sometimes I can only whisper this prayer and many times it's with tears streaming down my face...
Lord, I pray that You would fill us with
hope, joy, and expectation
that You have the power to put Your hand on us,
and grant us the will to do what You command.
You have made it plain:
We are responsible to do what You tell us to do.
But we know that in ourselves we
do not have the will to do it.
And so we cry with Augustine,
"Lord, command what You will,
and give what You command."
Leave us not to ourselves. Have mercy.
...but I know the Lord hears my heart. He sees my unbelief, and in spite of my unbelief, He has faithfully filled me with a hope, joy, and expectation that can come from only one Source. I do not have the power, the strength, the energy, or even the love that I need to pour out on these around me, but He does and my eyes are on Him. It is ONLY by His grace and mercy that we have made it this far, and He will see us through this homestretch as we prepare to welcome Blackmon Baby #5 and our sweet, little Sophi home SOON!!!
It's hard to believe that June is already here! If I don't have the baby sooner, I will have a scheduled induction during the next week and a half. We also found out yesterday that our case has been assigned to a judge and that we already have our court date scheduled! It will be on June 11th - just 10 days away!!! I couldn't be more excited or ready!!!
I'm working on a few catch-up posts (mainly pictures from April and May), so stay tuned and keep us in your prayers. It's sure to be an exciting few weeks!!!